Accepting Transience

Lately, I’ve felt a bit lost on where I’m going to end up after school. School hasn’t exactly felt like a home to me, more like an in-between before finding my real home. However, because of how life has been in the past, a part of me always wonders if I will stay in one place long enough to create a home. I even wonder that because of how I am. While I love the idea of being in one place and making close friends in my neighborhood, I also know I lust for growth. I crave it and am willing to travel as far as I need in order to find where I can learn what I have to. Sadly, that doesn’t always lend to me feeling like I belong.

Moving to Washington was one of the best decisions I could have made for myself. I know that. Coming to Idaho is still a decision I also very much needed. But there always comes a time, when I feel uncomfortable in my skin. Where I don’t feel like I have any more growing to do and I long for somewhere else. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love the place I’m currently in, in fact, I don’t want to leave half the time because there are so many places I have yet to see. But eventually, the uncomfortable feeling takes over along with the dreams of packing my bags and leaving to some place where I can learn more about myself.

I moved quite a bit when I was younger. With my dad finishing school and looking to gain experience in his field, we moved a couple times. I would dread the idea of leaving things behind, whether it was toys or friends I couldn’t do it. My mom says that’s why I’m a bit of a packrat now. Now, in my ideal world, I would have enough belongings to fill up two duffle bags and maybe a backpack, just enough to live on but not enough to weigh me down. Unfortunately, I am sentimental. I keep every gift anyone has ever given me, even when I haven’t talked to them for years. Anything with a memory I will hold on to until I forget why I have it and I don’t forget easily.

Someday though, I wonder if I will get the courage to leave my belongings behind and fully accept my transience. While I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, I do have plenty of friends in different parts of the states. When I retire, part of me wants to either live on a boat or in a camper and travel everywhere that my friends and family are. Another part of me wants to travel the world and make friends in every country. To me, people really make a home, and with that thinking, my home could be anywhere. I don’t know where I’ll end up, but I am excited for the new experiences it will bring.

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